Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.