Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
You Might Also Like
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics