Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.