Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
My patience has stretch marks.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*