Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
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*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp