Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
You Might Also Like
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Um … Hot Wings please
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”