Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.