Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
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[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.