Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
You Might Also Like
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
the greatest twitter interaction
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.