hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth