hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
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I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.