hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
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At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks