Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles