Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
a lot to unpack here
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored