hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
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judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.