Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I love the National Park Service.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
“no gods no masters” = leo
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.