Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
You Might Also Like
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.