hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
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You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Smile they said.
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Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork