Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
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How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I love it all
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.