Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I have no passwords left in me
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*