Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.