Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..