hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.