Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
#Caturday
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
all bases covered
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher