Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
same energy
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow