Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
(Electricians.)
ACED my prostate exam!
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out