Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”