Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁