@RealCarrotFacts

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

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@david8hughes

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

@maxverygoodboy

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

@donni

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

@katiefzack

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

@LeahsLounge

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

@gigglegirlnoel

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

@wolfpupy

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

@danisbadatthis

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.