Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s