Have a lovely day š
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Not trying to brag but my sonās teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Sometimes I think Iām reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. Sheās a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows Iāve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesnāt even bother getting up to greet me
i wonder if itās possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually Iām holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh Iām still waiting.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
āMost people on Twitter donāt send tweets like thisā most people on Twitter are cowards
Me: But arenāt you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We donāt have to have him come aroundā¦
Kid: No! Heās just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, itās fine.
Cool, but now Iām scaredā¦
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.