have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread