Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Smells like a challenge to me
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?