Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
secret recipe
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Hit me in the face with a bird
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine