Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
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I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Somebody call the cops.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
A double negative is a big no-no.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
What?!?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
vegan witches, happy halloween!