Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
You sure about that?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.