Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Guantanamo Bae
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what