@meantomyself

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

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@sageboggs

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

@imteddybless

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

@captaincoximus

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

@MichaelTrying

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

@KeetPotato

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

@mydmac

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

@caithuls

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand