@meantomyself

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

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@1AIMMadellynne

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

@PaulyPeligroso

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

@MyMomologue

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

@treydayway

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

@AmericanGent69

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

@blueeyesgreene

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

@AtticusFinch79

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

@Contwixt

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.