Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

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Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.


If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.


The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.


Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza


{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.


My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?


[first date]



*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*


All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…


If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors


Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.