Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.