Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Just a bush.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library