Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳