Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.