Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
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The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*