Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
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“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Teach your children to beatbox
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.