Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
You Might Also Like
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one