have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Smile Twitter, Smile.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Good Morning.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!