@crunchenhanced [ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
@nayele18maybe Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
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@crunchenhanced 
@_elvishpresley_ BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
@dreamthievin Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
@batsVsupes 
@weinerdog4life You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
@tchrquotes Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
@OnlyFastEddie I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
@E_lok44 If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
@DrDogMD PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
@Darlainky You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.