Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.