[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.