@nayele18maybe

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

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@crunchenhanced

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

@dreamthievin

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

@tchrquotes

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

@OnlyFastEddie

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

@E_lok44

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.