Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

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me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick


Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.


Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what


Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.


When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.


GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly


[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys


i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown


If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.


2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.