@AnkCoupleTO

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

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@GrantTanaka

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

@sofarrsogud

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

@ArfMeasures

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

@BoomBoomBetty

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

@ericsshadow

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

@OliveStuff

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

@ellewasamistake

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

@dorsalstream

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

@KevinLSchwartz

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.