Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
These 3D printers are insane!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.