Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
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Proctology is located in A55
based al yankovic
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
This is what makes twitter great
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money