Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.