Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.